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*This is the News In Brief article I’d write if I wrote for The Onion*
“This isn’t the onion” Says Facebook Friend Posting Actual News Article
LOS ANGELES-On Wednesday morning, exactly 845 Facebook friends viewed the status, “This isn’t the onion,” along with a connecting link to CNN.com. Even though The Onion is a satirical newspaper that lampoons American politics, THIS news story that is TOTALLY REAL and is SO stupid and can’t even begin to be talked about, needed to be clarified that it is not, in fact, The Onion, say sources close to subject. “You know some people post onion headlines thnking they’re real,” commented another Facebook user, “there’s a blog.” It is expected that the Facebook user will re-blog the hilarious picture George Takei posts tomorrow but will only be seen by 838 friends.
I was recently given the opportunity to submit a sketch for a Youtube show about current events. They passed on my script and I wonder if it’s because my submission for a relevant, topical comedy show was entirely about Waterworld.
The world isn’t perfect. You need to wake up and realize that. CLANGCLANGCLANG, are you awake yet? That was me banging some pots and pans together to WAKE YOU UP!
In a perfect world you’d get everything you want; a gum-ball machine, gum-balls to put in the gum-ball machine, quarters because you filled the gum-ball machine with gum-balls before you realized you’d need quarters to get them back out. But NO, the world is not perfect so you might get one or two of those things but even if you do, you’re still gonna have a hard time finding someone to give you a quarter even though that doesn’t seem like that big of a request.
In a perfect world T.S. Eliot’s name would be “toilets” backwards. Nuh-uh, not in this imperfect world. Instead it’s just “toilest” which isn’t funny at ALL! And don’t even get me started on e.e. cummings. sginmmucee??? Oh yeah, GOOD ONE e.e. Actually, go ahead and get me started cause that’s it, I’m done, what else is there to say!?
In a perfect world David Copperfield really did make The Statue of Liberty disappear. In a perfect world all ghosts would wear powdered wigs. In a perfect world the expression “have your cake and eat it too” would not be a figure of speech associated with selfish thoughts and actions but rather a literal invitation of the words being spoken!!
So go ahead, stay asleep! But don’t let me hear you say I didn’t warn you.
Boy am I tired! I never get enough sleep. During the day all I ever think about is going back to bed. Even when I’m sleeping, I’m dreaming about when the next time I sleep I will be. Also about skeletons playing their own ribs like xylophones but I don’t know what that has to do with anything.
When someone wakes me up in the morning, I don’t say, “Just a few more minutes!” I say, “Just a few more hours!” Which often makes them angry cause it’s noon. Also cause why am I in their house?
I walk through the day stumbling into things, tripping over my feet and people think I’m drunk but that’s only because I am! But also cause I’m tired.
I drink about 10 cups of black, hot coffee everyday. One in bed. One with breakfast. One in the car. And one in the elevator. One in the bathroom. One while jogging. And then one with another one. One while on the elliptical at the gym. And then finally one before bed. And for the record, I like my coffee how I DON’T like my women; in a grande sized cup and filtered through a French press.
It hasn’t always been like this. I used to wake up at the crack of dawn. I would wake up when the rooster crowed. But then I killed and ate that rooster and that took care of that problem.
Tattoos last forever. Or at least so I’m told. So I thought long and hard about what I wanted my tattoo to be before I got one.
Across the majority of my back is a giant seagull with two phones behind it. When people ask me what that means, I say, “It’s a gull and cross phones.” Then I smile really big at them.
To the side of that, the arm-pit/rib area, I have the name of every person I’ve ever met; Steve, John, Sally, Chris, Pete, Shirley, Greg, Cindy, Susan, Betty. They’re all there; Matt, Kyle, Sara, Dave, Bobby, Mary, Jason, Jason Jr., Jason Sr., Emily, Rachel, Charlie. You basically get the idea. If you don’t, shoot me an email and I’ll send you more examples.
Next to that, around the belly-button area is just a big red dot that says, “Start here.” Now this tattoo I only show to people who are getting on my nerves. I mean someone who really chaps my tattoo-for-another-blog-post. I show them this tattoo and from the “Start here” point there is a line. This line runs from my belly-button, up my torso and across my arm. Next to this line I have tattoos that read, “Yeah, this way,” and “Keep going you wise guy,” and “Just a little bit farther you smart-aleck.” They finally reach the end of the line and guess where it ends… my fist! And then BLAMO the old knuckle-sandwich. At this point they’ll probably think I have magical floating tattoos of stars and cartoon birds but that’s just from the knock to the head probably.
The only other tattoo I have, regrettably, is on my ankle and it’s of Gargamel from The Smurfs. You see, I thought it’d be fun to have Waldo on my ankle so sometimes I could be like, “Hey find Waldo!” and then I’d lift my pant leg up a little bit and then everyone would be like, “THE LIFE OF THE PARTY” and be pointing to me. But while at the tattoo parlor, I somehow said Gargamel from The Smurfs instead of Where’s Waldo. Don’t ask me why. I don’t know why. So now not only can I not do my life of the party trick but even if someone accidentally catches a glimpse of my Gargamel from The Smurfs tattoo I have to give a long-winded explanation about why anyone would ever have a tattoo of Gargamel from The Smurfs.
Making the perfect mix tape is easy! Just follow these simple steps and you too can get the dance floor bumping at your next party or dance-related event.
Start if off with a little “Let’s Get it Started” by the Black Eyed Peas so there can be no confusing about whether it has started or not. This will come through most clearly with the lyric, “let’s get it started,” which is repeated multiple times throughout the song, sometimes adding, “in here,” which will reassure party goers they are in the right place. Bada-bing! You’re moving right along!
*important disclaimer - be sure not to play the “Let’s Get Retarded” version of the song. Not only might this offend some potential party goers, but might also create a different king of party.
Now that it has successfully been started it’s time brighten the moods of everyone on the dance floor by reminding them of all the great things in their lives. Dance parties are not just about moves and dance battles, as a DJ it’s your responsibility to get everyone to think, “hey, life’s pretty great.” Which they will think when you play “Celebration” by Kool & The Gang. Most will be on board right away as they are told to celebrate good times but for those who need a little extra push, whose lives might be more troublesome than others, Kool will undoubtedly get the job done when he tells them to, “COME ON!”
Phew! Your party’s got me working up a sweat already! But we’re not done quite yet. Next you’ll want to blindside them with “River of Dreams” by Billy Joel.
Finally, it’ll all come to an end with the classic Isley Brothers song, “Shout.” This song is a great way to closeout a party. Everyone knows and loves it. They love singing the lyrics and doing all the motions as well. But here’s a trick… as Kyle Isley or Chris Isley or whatever the name of the Isley brother who’s singing goes “a little bit softer now,” when he reaches the softest bit, turn off the music. Everyone will be squatted down, uncomfortable and unsure what to do. This will be amusing to you. Once they figure out what has happened they will become annoyed and leave. It is just as important for a DJ to be able to start a party as it is for a DJ to end a party. Job well done!
For further inquires or training, email partofaPARTYbreakfast@aol.com
“Dear Cindy, this note is from Mike, 3 rows over. I know Zach gave you this note but that’s only because I passed it to Rachel, who passed it to Pete, who passed it to him and is now giving it to you, but it’s not from him. I would have passed it to you myself but we are seated alphabetically so me being from the Brough lineage and you being from the Rayer lineage keeps me from handing you this note directly. I’m just kidding by the way. About using words like lineage. I don’t normally talk like that, it’s just a history joke which I thought could be funny seeing as how we’re in history class. Did you think that was funny? I guess I’ll have to wait till you message me back to find out. Anyway, I wanted to pass this note to you to see if you wanted to eat lunch together? Warmest Regards, Mike.”
“Mike, that’s really sweet but I think I’ll pass. I hope that’s not too harsh but we don’t really know each other. I honestly don’t even think we’ve ever spoken before. Cindy. PS I don’t really get the lineage joke but still kinda funny!”
“Cindy, I’m kinda confused. Pass on what? Lineage joke??? Mike.”
“Mike, you don’t have to play it cool. I think it was sweet to ask me to lunch and I’m not going to tell anyone you did. I just don’t really feel comfortable with it. So please don’t try to make me feel dumb. Ok? Cindy. PS You made a stupid joke about our lineage. Has there ever been a funny joke about lineage??”
“Dearest Cindy, I hope Zach delivers this message with the kiss I asked him to give it. A kiss to represent the healing of the wound I’ve inflicted on you. A visual analogy maybe? Maybe I should have saved my visual analogy joke for English class, no? I want to make up for my lineage error. You are right, making a joke somewhat related to the history of our families while in history class did not bring the laughs like I thought it would. But I digress, I did not mean to make you feel dumb with my last note…. because… I love you. And sometimes I don’t know how to show it. Your reply scared me and I responded like a FOOL! I understand completely why lunch together would be off the table. How about we just make-out under the bleachers during 6th period? Zach could stand guard.”
“MIKE STOP SENDING ME NOTES!! All your jokes are dumb no matter what school subject they’re about, we will NEVER make out under the bleachers, and I don’t even understand why you would want Zach to watch if we did. That’s seriously gross. Cindy.”
“Cindy, I’ve sent you one note. And I’m just as confused now as I was then. Actually no, I’m more confused now. This last note was like 10 times more confusing. Did you seriously write me a note just to tell me you don’t want to make out with me? Unprovoked? Thanks for the clarification I guess? And then to add insult to injury you want to make sure that I know you think I tell bad jokes? I don’t even really tell jokes. So I don’t know why you’d have such a strong desire to write me a note telling me how bad I am at them. Kinda afraid to send this back… Mike”
“MIKE, I WILL TELL MR. SHOSTER IF YOU DO NOT STOP MESSING WITH ME!!”
TELL HIM WHAT CINDY!? ZACH RULES!!!!”
Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry Mike. I will explain later. ZACH RULES!!!!”
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