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My name is Eric

This blog was written by an infinite amount of monkeys over an infinite amount of time.

Way to go monkeys!
Mar 21 '14

As A Prop Comedian, Forgetting My Props Was Probably A Bad Idea

He-Hey everybody! How ya’ll doing? This guy’s doin’ good, am I right? But it’s great to be here at The Laughstitution. I woulda gotten here sooner but parking was a real female dog, if you know what I mean. No seriously, uh, I mean that the parking attendant was, uh, you know…

*silence*

Anyway, it’s Shark Week this week, you all into that? Not me. Cause who needs Shark Week when ya got Shark Feet!?

*silence* 

Ugh, oh God, why did I forget my trunk of props? Alright, moving on, have you guys ever had those “Fun Size” candy bars? You know what I’m talking about? It’s these little, tiny, itzy-bitzy candy bars that you can eat in one bite. “Fun Size!?” Are you kidding me? That’s not fun at all! This would be “Fun Size!” Er, rather, imagine like a really big looking candy wrapper that covers this whole stage. I’m talking huge! Guh, I made it out of a bed sheet. Grrr.

*silence*

Look, I’m a prop comic and I forgot my trunk of props at home. I realized it on the way over but it woulda been an extra 30 minutes in the car if I went back for it. And I figure, how many of my jokes actually require the props to make sense? Turns out a lot of them apparently. Like I have this little toy dog dressed as a parking attendant, some shoes with shark fins glued on. Get it now? But hey, a gig is a gig, am I right? Huh? Let’s have some fun, am I right!?

*silence*

Okay, well, guh, how about… so I’m a big fan of sports, you know? But my team, my team is not so great. They’re never number one. They’re always losing! So I can never use those giant foam hands. That’s why I made thi- well, a foam finger with two fingers. Like, GAH, I took one of those foam hands and added another finger so it looks like it’s… you get the idea. Like a peace sign. SONOFA!

*silence*

And then sometimes after that joke- cause it’s not my best bit, it doesn’t get as good a laugh as the rest of this stuff… I mean, it’s not the silence I’m getting now, but sometimes that joke doesn’t get the biggest laugh and then I bend down the index finger and flip the audience off and that normally saves the bit! But not this time! NOPE! You guys are just gonna sit there, not laughing at my jokes. Sure, I forgot my props, I admit that. That’s my bad. But I’m describing them for you, aren’t I? You have imaginations, don’t you? Just think of the prop yourself! Gah! The jokes still work! You’re just all too dumb!

*silence*

*booing*

You’re gonna boo me, huh? Yeah? Well what do you think about this!?

*rips open shirt, reveals bomb*

*screams* 

Nobody move! Or I’ll blow this place to kingdom come! Now who’s laughing?… well, no one is laughing still BUT THAT’S GONNA CHANGE! You’re gonna laugh! So hear this one. When I was a kid, it took me so long to learn to ride a bike. I was constantly falling and dragging my helmet against the pavement. So my dad thought of a better use for my training wheels… This is when I would pull out a bike helmet with training wheels attached on the sides. DO YOU GET IT!?

*silence*

THAT’S IT!

*pushes detonator*

*screams*

*no explosion*

Huh. I guess this set was a real bomb.

*rapturous applause*

Jan 7 '14

IPod Shuffle Challenge

I was asked to put my iPod on shuffle and blog about 10 random songs. I don’t remember what all is on there so I hope this doesn’t get embarrassing! Here we go!

1. Crocodile Rock — Elton John

What a way to start! Crocodile Rock is one of my favorites. Catchy, head-bobbing fun. And what a funny name for a song. Elton John was firing on all cylinders with this one. I Laaaa Lalala Laaaaove this song!

2. Crocodile Rock — Elton John

Haha, what!? Crocodile Rock again!? Weird! It’s on random, what’s a guy to do? Classic song and Elton John’s first U.S. number one hit. And I can see why! What a song. Also, I think when I bought my iPod I downloaded this song as a test and haven’t used it sense. Huh.

3. Crocodile Rock — Elton John

Yep, this is the only song on my iPod. As I suspected. Well, hey, if you’re only gonna have one song on an iPod, make sure it’s a hit! And boy oh boy, what a hit! Elton sings that when rock was young, him and Suzie had so much fun; but not as much fun as me, listening to this song!

4. Crocodile Rock — Elton John

He-he-here we go! Fourth times a charm with Crocodile Rock, the only song on my iPod. Elton sings that he never had a better time and I guess I never will once this song is over! Also, for the reader, I have to listen to the song all the way through each time. I can’t just skip the song, so I hope you’re listening along with me. It’s only fair.

5. Crocodile Rock — Elton John

I love this song, sure, but I don’t know if it was meant to be listened to this many times in a row. Regardless, I still wish I could be there on those Friday nights with Elton and Suzie!

6. Crocodile Rock — Elton John

Okay, maybe I turned on repeat instead of shuffle. Give me one second while I check…

7. Crocodile Rock — Elton John

NOPE! Shuffle is on, Crocodile Rock is all we got! What number is this? 7? Feels like more than that. Okay, only 3 more to go, you can do this…. Crocodile Rock… what is there to say? It’s from the album Don’t Shoot Me I’m Just the Piano Player. More of that classic Elton humor.

8. Crocodile Rock — Elton John

I gotta get more songs on here! I’m starting to go crazy. So is my downstairs neighbor. He’s banging on the ceiling. I think he’s had enough of this song. Probably didn’t help that I plugged my iPod into my Bose CineMate GS Series II. That thing gets some serious sound.

9. Crocodile Rock — Elton John

I REMEMBER WHEN ROCK WAS YOUNG ME AND SUZIE HAD SO MUCH FUN HOLDING HANDS AND SKIMMING STONES HAD AN OLD GOLD CHEVY AND A PLACE OF MY OWN HAVE TRUER WORDS BEEN SPOKEN ELTON IS A POET

10 Crocodile Rock — Elton John

Well this has been such a fun blog exercise. Thanks to everyone who played along. I hope you enjoyed Crocodile Rock ten times in a row as much as I did. And as much as my furious downstairs neighbor did. And as much as this floating apparition of Elton John in that Donald Duck costume that has appeared before me did.

Until next time!

Nov 13 '13

Sparknotes: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

Have you been assigned to read Pride and Prejudice but bought Pride and Prejudice and Zombies since the original would be too boring to read but also don’t have the time to read that despite the added zombies? Don’t fret, here are the Pride and Prejudice and Zombies Sparknotes.

image

Chapters 1-2

The news that a wealthy young gentleman named Charles Bingley has rented the manor known as Netherfield Park causes a great stir in the neighboring village of Longbourn, especially in the Bennet household and zombies. The Bennets have five unmarried daughters, and Mrs. Bennet, a foolish and fussy gossip, is the sort who agrees with the novel’s opening words: “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife,” and don’t forget those zombies. She sees Bingley’s arrival as an opportunity for one of the girls to obtain a wealthy spouse, and she therefore insists that her husband call on the new arrival immediately, also there are zombies everywhere! Mr. Bennet torments his family by pretending to have no interest in doing so, but he eventually meets with Mr. Bingley without their knowing and there are zombies here, there and everywhere. When he reveals to Mrs. Bennet and his daughters that he has made their new neighbor’s acquaintance, they are overjoyed and excited and that guy’s a zombie and this guy’s a zombie and you throw a rock you hit a zombie and party on zombie and eat my zombie shorts and to be or not to be a zombie and Luke, I am you zombie and zombie in the morning, zombie in the evening, zombie at supper time with zombies in your books you can have zombies anytime!

Oct 1 '13

How To Get On Someone’s Good Side

Getting on someone’s good side can be hard. What with the stress at work and the heat outside and these sticky hands because WHAT DID I TOUCH! So a little reminder to be nice to people can be good every now and again. Here are some helpful tips to stay clear of the bad side of those around you.

Remember their name. This is very important. Remembering someone’s name makes them feel valued. And if you can’t remember their name do not make one up. Trust me, you will not get on someone’s good side if you call them Stinky Pete. Sorry Uncle Jeff.

Look them in the eye. This shows you’re paying attention. But don’t make a face like you’re looking at a dog eating something weird. Just look at them normal, no matter how weird the thing is the dog is eating. What is that thing? Probably what made my hands sticky.

Write them a note of encouragement. A simple note saying, “Nice tie today Josh” can really make a difference. And don’t be afraid to be specific; “You’re a great juggler Josh.” This might cause them to come by your desk to tell you they don’t know how to juggle so why would you send that note but don’t be discouraged, just send another note of encouragement; “Don’t you know a compliment when you see one? Use your brain Josh.”

Buy them a drink. When they ask you why there’s no alcohol in it, tell them Fanta is a drink.

At this point you should be on their good side. But if all else fails and you are still on their bad side, try saying, “Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed” in a baby voice. Works every time.

Jan 23 '13

"This isn’t the onion" Says Facebook Friend Posting Actual News Article

*This is the News In Brief article I’d write if I wrote for The Onion*

This isn’t the onion” Says Facebook Friend Posting Actual News Article

LOS ANGELES-On Wednesday morning, exactly 845 Facebook friends viewed the status, “This isn’t the onion,” along with a connecting link to CNN.com. Even though The Onion is a satirical newspaper that lampoons American politics, THIS news story that is TOTALLY REAL and is SO stupid and can’t even begin to be talked about, needed to be clarified that it is not, in fact, The Onion, say sources close to subject. “You know some people post onion headlines thnking they’re real,” commented another Facebook user, “there’s a blog.” It is expected that the Facebook user will re-blog the hilarious picture George Takei posts tomorrow but will only be seen by 838 friends.

Aug 24 '12

I was recently given the opportunity to submit a sketch for a Youtube show about current events. They passed on my script and I wonder if it’s because my submission for a relevant, topical comedy show was entirely about Waterworld.

Aug 22 '12

In a Perfect World

The world isn’t perfect. You need to wake up and realize that. CLANGCLANGCLANG, are you awake yet? That was me banging some pots and pans together to WAKE YOU UP!

In a perfect world you’d get everything you want; a gum-ball machine, gum-balls to put in the gum-ball machine, quarters because you filled the gum-ball machine with gum-balls before you realized you’d need quarters to get them back out. But NO, the world is not perfect so you might get one or two of those things but even if you do, you’re still gonna have a hard time finding someone to give you a quarter even though that doesn’t seem like that big of a request.

In a perfect world T.S. Eliot’s name would be “toilets” backwards. Nuh-uh, not in this imperfect world. Instead it’s just “toilest” which isn’t funny at ALL! And don’t even get me started on e.e. cummings. sginmmucee??? Oh yeah, GOOD ONE e.e. Actually, go ahead and get me started cause that’s it, I’m done, what else is there to say!?

In a perfect world David Copperfield really did make The Statue of Liberty disappear. In a perfect world all ghosts would wear powdered wigs. In a perfect world the expression “have your cake and eat it too” would not be a figure of speech associated  with selfish thoughts and actions but rather a literal invitation of the words being spoken!!

So go ahead, stay asleep! But don’t let me hear you say I didn’t warn you.

Aug 16 '12

So Tired

Boy am I tired! I never get enough sleep. During the day all I ever think about is going back to bed. Even when I’m sleeping, I’m dreaming about when the next time I sleep I will be. Also about skeletons playing their own ribs like xylophones but I don’t know what that has to do with anything.

When someone wakes me up in the morning, I don’t say, “Just a few more minutes!” I say, “Just a few more hours!” Which often makes them angry cause it’s noon. Also cause why am I in their house?

I walk through the day stumbling into things, tripping over my feet and people think I’m drunk but that’s only because I am! But also cause I’m tired.

I drink about 10 cups of black, hot coffee everyday. One in bed. One with breakfast. One in the car. And one in the elevator. One in the bathroom. One while jogging. And then one with another one. One while on the elliptical at the gym. And then finally one before bed. And for the record, I like my coffee how I DON’T like my women; in a grande sized cup and filtered through a French press.

It hasn’t always been like this. I used to wake up at the crack of dawn. I would wake up when the rooster crowed. But then I killed and ate that rooster and that took care of that problem.

Aug 14 '12

My Tattoo

Tattoos last forever. Or at least so I’m told. So I thought long and hard about what I wanted my tattoo to be before I got one.

Across the majority of my back is a giant seagull with two phones behind it. When people ask me what that means, I say, “It’s a gull and cross phones.” Then I smile really big at them.

To the side of that, the arm-pit/rib area, I have the name of every person I’ve ever met; Steve, John, Sally, Chris, Pete, Shirley, Greg, Cindy, Susan, Betty. They’re all there; Matt, Kyle, Sara, Dave, Bobby, Mary, Jason, Jason Jr., Jason Sr., Emily, Rachel, Charlie. You basically get the idea. If you don’t, shoot me an email and I’ll send you more examples.

Next to that, around the belly-button area is just a big red dot that says, “Start here.” Now this tattoo I only show to people who are getting on my nerves. I mean someone who really chaps my tattoo-for-another-blog-post. I show them this tattoo and from the “Start here” point there is a line. This line runs from my belly-button, up my torso and across my arm. Next to this line I have tattoos that read, “Yeah, this way,” and “Keep going you wise guy,” and “Just a little bit farther you smart-aleck.” They finally reach the end of the line and guess where it ends… my fist! And then BLAMO the old knuckle-sandwich. At this point they’ll probably think I have magical floating tattoos of stars and cartoon birds but that’s just from the knock to the head probably.

The only other tattoo I have, regrettably, is on my ankle and it’s of Gargamel from The Smurfs. You see, I thought it’d be fun to have Waldo on my ankle so sometimes I could be like, “Hey find Waldo!” and then I’d lift my pant leg up a little bit and then everyone would be like, “THE LIFE OF THE PARTY” and be pointing to me. But while at the tattoo parlor, I somehow said Gargamel from The Smurfs instead of Where’s Waldo. Don’t ask me why. I don’t know why. So now not only can I not do my life of the party trick but even if someone accidentally catches a glimpse of my Gargamel from The Smurfs tattoo I have to give a long-winded explanation about why anyone would ever have a tattoo of Gargamel from The Smurfs.

Aug 8 '12

Making the Perfect Mix Tape

Making the perfect mix tape is easy! Just follow these simple steps and you too can get the dance floor bumping at your next party or dance-related event.

Start if off with a little “Let’s Get it Started” by the Black Eyed Peas so there can be no confusing about whether it has started or not. This will come through most clearly with the lyric, “let’s get it started,” which is repeated multiple times throughout the song, sometimes adding, “in here,” which will reassure party goers they are in the right place. Bada-bing! You’re moving right along!

*important disclaimer - be sure not to play the “Let’s Get Retarded” version of the song. Not only might this offend some potential party goers, but might also create a different king of party.

Now that it has successfully been started it’s time brighten the moods of everyone on the dance floor by reminding them of all the great things in their lives. Dance parties are not just about moves and dance battles, as a DJ it’s your responsibility to get everyone to think, “hey, life’s pretty great.” Which they will think when you play “Celebration” by Kool & The Gang. Most will be on board right away as they are told to celebrate good times but for those who need a little extra push, whose lives might be more troublesome than others, Kool will undoubtedly get the job done when he tells them to, “COME ON!”

Phew! Your party’s got me working up a sweat already! But we’re not done quite yet. Next you’ll want to blindside them with “River of Dreams” by Billy Joel.

Finally, it’ll all come to an end with the classic Isley Brothers song, “Shout.” This song is a great way to closeout a party. Everyone knows and loves it. They love singing the lyrics and doing all the motions as well. But here’s a trick… as Kyle Isley or Chris Isley or whatever the name of the Isley brother who’s singing goes “a little bit softer now,” when he reaches the softest bit, turn off the music. Everyone will be squatted down, uncomfortable and unsure what to do. This will be amusing to you. Once they figure out what has happened they will become annoyed and leave. It is just as important for a DJ to be able to start a party as it is for a DJ to end a party. Job well done!

For further inquires or training, email partofaPARTYbreakfast@aol.com